As we head into the end of the year, I thought we would kick it off with another post in the “Life Advice” series on boundaries, friendships, and relationships. Again, I want to state that these posts are some of my favorites (here’s the previous post on Loving Yourself) that I have on relmstyle. Why? Because I love that this advice is coming from so many different people that come from diverse backgrounds.
Rebecca M (39) – Fashion Blogger, Product Manger
Relationships (regardless of friendships, family, or romantic) can be complicated. I’ve had several friendships and relationships that have lasted way (I’m talking way, way) beyond their expiration date. Why? Sometimes it was hard to say goodbye, sometimes it was comfortable, or maybe it was to avoid conflict. Whatever the reason(s), I know it wasn’t healthy for me, myself, and I.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned over time, is that I will grow as a person. I will change and evolve so many times; I won’t be able to count them on both hands. What I also came to understand is that not everyone is willing to grow with me or support me through those times of growth. There are those people who will want you to stay where they are at in life. And it’s perfectly alright, to not let those friendships and relationships take up space in yours. Surround yourself with those people who make you feel good and happy.
Rebecca L (30) – Software Engineer
Update: Since Rebecca wrote this she’s had a beautiful baby girl.
Respect your feelings and practice setting boundaries. These are important concepts that I continually encounter. As women, we are often taught to value other people’s feelings above our own. It sounds harmless and even like a good thing…until it gets to the point where you subconsciously stop checking in with yourself. Do you actually enjoy that weekly get-together you always attend? If not, stop going!
We already have enough things we have to do. So don’t let socializing become an obligation instead of something to look forward to in your life. The positive side effect is that when you’re genuinely enjoying yourself, you’re more likely to open up and build deeper relationships with people than if you’re just there because of everyone else.
On that note, not all friendships need to last forever. If you notice that a relationship is drastically one-sided, advocate for yourself and end it. If you’re keeping in touch more out of habit than a real desire, it’s perfectly fine to let that friendship fizzle out. You may reconnect later down the line or you may not, and either outcome is just fine. Either way, you will have grown into a person who has a better idea of themselves and what they want out of life. And that’s really what your 20s are all about.
Kristen (29) – Marriage and Family Therapist in Training
Ask for what you need. It’s not selfish. I think this is especially important in intimate relationships. At 21 years old, I wouldn’t acknowledge some of the things I needed from my partner. I didn’t want to “rock the boat” or be a high-maintenance girlfriend. Instead, I pushed my needs down and felt I was selfless and understanding when I didn’t ask for more time or affection from him. I thought I was happy with what he was able to give, and after all, I didn’t want to feel that I “needed” anyone. Wouldn’t that be unhealthy to be dependent?
Eight years later and with a new partner, I look back at my 21-year-old self and wish she had spoken up. She felt lonely and worthless as her disowned needs refused to be ignored. It took years to realize that communicating needs is part of being in a partnership with another person.
My current partner and I can communicate our needs to each other, and instead of seeming needy and driving each other away, acknowledging each others’ needs brings us closer. We turn to each other to have some of our needs met while fulfilling others outside the relationship. We say, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” We are the best partners to one another when we are both able to take care of ourselves and meet the needs of the other. An interdependent partnership is a collaboration, and asking for what you need is the basis of a healthy relationship.
Alex (33) – Software Test Manager, Plant Enthusiast
Live every day exactly the way you want, and don’t apologize for it. Love those who bring you joy, and be sure to tell them every day. Say goodbye to those who bring you down regardless of relation, because your time is too valuable to be wasted. Never doubt that gut instinct as it will rarely let you down.
Closing Statements
Wow, I have chills, how about you? I usually make a closing statement, but I think Alex did a great job at closing it down. I think I even heard a mic drop. A huge thank you to all of the beautiful and wonderful ladies who contributed to this post. Leave a comment, and please let me know your experiences with boundaries, friendships, and life advice. I would love to hear your thoughts.
Photos by Anthea Marette Photography
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