When you think of divorce, you might not hear it paired with friendship. In today’s posts, I have two guest writers who are sharing their experiences with both.
Johnny and Megan met during high school and dated throughout college. In 2010, they went to Hawaii to get married. After being together for 12 years (married for 2 of them), they got a divorce. The hard part is, how can you divorce your best friend.
I’ve known Johnny for eight years and Megan for two. It wasn’t until I knew them both that I truly understood that they had a special relationship. Their friendship is so strong and unique; it truly defies all social norms. But enough from me, let’s hear their story.
Megan’s Story – Friends After Divorce
It is challenging for most people to understand how divorce can lead to anything other than hatred and contempt for the person you once cared about. No one anticipates anything less than forever when they get married. Most people enter marriage deeply in love, hopeful and committed, at least that’s what I did. But just a few short years into my marriage, it was clear that it was over. Nothing could save it. Not therapy, not better communication, not learning to speak each other’s love languages or a weekly date night. We were on different life paths, and we both knew it.
For years after the divorce, I felt like a failure. Shame would creep into my voice when I talked about it. I thought because I couldn’t fix us, maybe there was something wrong with me. But with time, my definition of successful love evolved. I came to realize that successful love isn’t just the love that lasts; successful love is any love that changes you and helps you grow. We each used the process of separating to grow and develop into better versions of ourselves.
It wasn’t easy. At times, there was jealousy and confusion as our dynamic shifted. It required massive boundaries, from both of us, and the grace of knowing that each person was on their own journey, in their own process, and ultimately doing the best they could.
When I look at all the accomplishments of my life, my divorce, which once felt like such a failure, is one of the things that I am most grateful for. My partner and I did the work. Work that not everyone is capable of doing. The work that requires BOTH people to show up and love each other through the pain, confusion, and heartbreak. We chose to love without inflicting hurt, even though we were hurting. As a result of this work, we get to enjoy a different, but a continued role in each other’s lives.
Today, frequent questions about our unusual relationship don’t bother me. I rest in the freedom of knowing that there are no rules about who and how you get to love. We decide what works for us, and we get to model a different, more loving way of doing things. Love wins!
Johnny’s Story – A Beautiful Breakup
Let me start by saying what most of us already know, divorce is tough. It’s not an easy thing to go through, and everyone handles it differently. Even if you’re lucky enough to see the end of a marriage coming, nothing can prepare you for the divorce. My experience with divorce was very cordial and respectful. I was 27 years old when I married my high school sweetheart.
Two years later, she would file for divorce. I remember thinking at the time, how did this happen to me? What did I do wrong? If she would give me one more chance, I could fix the problem. It turns out; I was the problem. Or at least one half of the problem. I didn’t know this at the time.
I remember feeling sad, numb, depressed, and fearful of what lies ahead. There were a lot of different excuses that I made for myself, but none of them ever made me feel any better. Friends were telling me to start dating other women, but I knew that was the furthest thing from what I needed. What I did need, was time to heal, time to be sad, time to understand my emotions, and why I felt that way.
I had to start putting my priorities first and realizing that what I wanted in life mattered, and the only way to get what I wanted was to make it happen. Nobody was going to do it for me, and it wasn’t going to magically happen on its own. This was a powerful moment for me because it taught me that the only person you need to depend on in this life is you. Love yourself before you love someone else. I knew this was going to be hard work, but I’m worth it.
During the divorce, I was supportive of her, and she was supportive of me. Through our process we talked, laughed, and cried together. To this day, we remain close friends. We share custody of a little white Maltese named Bambi. Some people have a hard time understanding our relationship, and I think because what we were able to do is healthy, rare, and beautiful.
So my advice for anyone struggling with divorce is to stop focusing on things that are out of your control and take care of things that you can control. Be respectful and support one another. It’s the road less traveled as they say, but living out of fear is no way to live a life. Challenge yourself, stand up to adversity, and you just might surprise yourself. We all have a choice in life; what you decide to do with it is entirely up to you. And lastly but most importantly, remember that everything is going to be ok.
Closing Statement
Wow, both stories are incredibly beautiful. What I love about Megan and Johnny’s story is that they’re an example of how love and friendship don’t stop just because you choose not to be together. Although I didn’t know either of them married, I admire their current relationship.
One last thing that I want to touch on is that I’m currently dating Johnny (at least for the past six years). I couldn’t be more excited to have Megan (and little Bam) in my life. I genuinely respect the relationship that they have and wouldn’t change it for the world.
If you want more life advice posts, you can check them out here. Enjoy!
Photos by Anthea Marette Photography
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Love this!
Thank you Megan & Johnny for sharing.
It’s a pretty fantastic story. I’m so happy to share their experience because we don’t often hear about a friendship that survives a divorce (or breakup).